Men, Women Agree to Completely Ignore Gender Distinction
EARTH (Reuters) – A deal has been struck between men and women worldwide that will completely breakdown gender distinctions. In recent years, the gap between men and women narrowing has been widely reported in the media and seen everywhere, with females now rising to prominence in business and men getting manicures and otherwise acting like total pussies.
In a landmark deal, the new agreement states that no person is allowed to recognize or define another human being as either “man” or “woman”.
Major Highights of the Agreement:
- Public restrooms will no longer differentiate between “Men” and “Women” restroom signs; all doors will be outfitted with sign reading “Shitter”.
- Men agree to a $300,000 severance package for the hosts of The View, because “now what are they going to talk about.”
- It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not anymore; all people now lumped into categories of “legal” and “not legal”.
- Length of time off for maternity leave now reduced from 8 weeks to “until that little f*cker gets done popping out”.
- Women now paying for full 50% of fancy dinners.
- Women required to have working, technical knowledge of man-phrases such as “miter saw”, “carbureator” and “let’s have sex”.
- Men agree over a three-year period to figure out what the hell exfoliating actually is.
- A $8.3 million joint venture to have the phrase “glass ceiling” removed from all literature.
Notable Exceptions:
- Men are still not permitted to cry in the workplace.
- Women still allowed to wear bras.
- Male strippers still considered creepy, gross.
- Women strippers still widely regarded as “awesome.”
In light of this recent development, stocks were trading down slightly on Thursday, a result of analysts pricing in increased wage costs relating to corporations historically paying women 25% less, as well as productivity gains from a reduction in women needing to gossip about that “slut Peggy in accounting.”
